The memoirs of a rider

I want to be completely honest here, as a child, no one ever say's they wanna become a junkie when they grow up, coming from a addictive family, i hated the real fact that my father was absent, and never gave a fuck about me, he wandered in when i was little and left just as quiet as he walked in, i saw him briefly when i was about 7 for the last time, he just showed up at my aunt's house like it was the thing to do, asking how my grandmother and mother were, and asking if i knew who he was, i have very vague memories of him, but answered yes, partly being hopeful that he would come back and be what most other kids had, a father that was active in their lives, and mostly a father that really loved them. As he left he gave me $ 5 and promised he'd return the very next week, and we'd work on really being a family, deep down i hoped he'd honor his promise he never did i cried myself to sleep for months following that short visit. I always questioned myself that maybe i had done something to push me away, or never love me like i deserved, all i truly knew was i did deserve something a father that truly did love me, i remember that on my 10 th Christmas i wrote Santa a letter and attached was a very short, in fact 1 item for my wish list all i asked for was him to come back and give me a chance to make up for my mistake that i had caused him, truthfully it wasn't a mistake that i did, it was his love for heroin that ruined my life and my family's life. i remember crying myself to sleep at night, and promising myself that i would never be anything like him and that i would be better than him at whatever i ever did, i was 10 that was the year i started smoking weed, and the rest would start becoming a reality, i went to dr's and anger management counselors, weekly for a while, then i guess my mother figured nothing was working, and i stopped going to see my counselor. All that really helped was reading and drawing, in my books i could escape and be the lucky kid that had a real family, a rich artist that could do whatever he wanted, and had it all.The only thing he ever gave me was a lifetime of tears, and a destiny to meet up with the addiction, that he offered. and it came true, this is my story from broken to addicted, and all the damage that it caused . The memoirs of a rider.

I owe nobody an explanation , truth is i couldn't explain just why, but i think i just proved to myself that drinking like a gentleman is a total myth, i'm not regretting anything things happen, one step back, and now one step forward, day 1

i've lived i've learned

I've loved, i've lost, i've learned, i know as a child we never think that addiction will end up being a part of our lives, but for some it does, i never dreamed that my life would be filled so full of up's and downs, but it has been. From the addiction came the pain, thru the pain came incarceration as well as the separation from everyone, and everything i ever loved  in my life. I destroyed and pushed any and all who were ever so lucky to cross my path, i burned and danced across every bridge i came upon, i can't even think back that far to a time when i was drug free, much less sober, early teens would be my best guess, anyways thru those years i did manage to do a few things right.  Many times i tried to pick up the pieces, but somehow they always fell outta my arms in the process, Finally i learned Empathy and compassion and thru those words i gave myself another chance, a new hope at a life that neither contained addiction only thru the memories that i hold inside of my heart, i've tried to make right to all that i hurt along the way, that is basically all i can do, but i hope that some will just see the change and others will hear about the change, either way i still continue, someone told me give up all that i had and that i'd find so much more, well it's true, my life isn't perfect,neither is my story, but they both belong to me.  I'm not here to judge you on if your living your life right, that's not up to me.  What i am saying is if i can change so can you, hate the disease pray for the addict.
#onedayatatime

                                                              WHEN

when do you stop trying to help someone, when they won't help themselves , do you just wish them well and keep them in your thoughts and prayers? or hope that they'll see the light and start to care, for without the yearning it will cease to appear ?

Tell me you've never felt fear, explain to me how you've never cried,and how you've never experienced happiness from down deep inside, and i'll tell you your a liar. When i gave up drugs i didn't feel these emotions cause from inside i knew i was done. I kept drinking although not everyday i still kept drinking cause i was afraid, afraid to fall down, afraid i'd go back to the needle and spoon, even tried non alcoholic beer it sucked.can't stand these fucking energy drinks, they get me kinda stuck, told myself i'd only drink light beer, and have a whisky and coke here and there, never failed next morning my mind was thinking but my heart never was there, i always said just a few more nights, then i'll be able to stop and it will be alright, i made a conscious decision to take this next ride, it's really not that bad. What i wonder is does this happen to everyone the ability to feel all these emotions that were kept hidden deep down inside, hindering happiness and your ability to shed a few tears or just cry ? In my mind i was bulletproof a super hero with the power to even fly. One can never say they've lived if they have never tried. Expression seems to be the only thing that I've ever really had that came from down deep inside. I look at it this way a blessing in disguise, they say the phoenix arose from ashes, and so shall i , there will be a day that i to shall fly.

                                                               


                                                                     Story and a dream

Truth is no one ever says when i grow up, i am going to become a junkie, nor do their parents wish for this to happen.  I had a great childhood, the few things that I've always enjoyed were drawing, and music, and behold they still stand true to this day.  I hit a few major setbacks, experienced addiction and let me tell you i  never had a dime a day habit, everything i did, i went hard in the paint .  After destroying my life for over 35 years, i finally woke up, looked in the mirror, and realized i didn't recognize the person that i was seeing, anyways after many stints of incarceration , and many failed attempts i finally did it, although far from perfect, a constant work in progress, which i'm ok with.  I promised myself i would become a new person, and be honest about my mistakes in life, which isn't that easy. Anyways i tried and tried and finally seem to have found things that work for me.  I bought a camera and started taking pictures, and live my life thru the eye of my lens and thru the music i hear in my ears. Addiction promises only a few things , a distraught life, limited family support, incarceration and finally death. My only intent here is to spread the message of peace and happiness.  And hopefully help someone along the way thru my mistakes, so as they might not have to live their life as i did.  If you have a dream, don't stop believing keep trying and thru perseverance, you shall find the light that i to saw at the end of my tunnel.

   

H R Pufnstuf In 3D - Show Biz Witch