8/28/2014

I've often wondered about times past, and i've given it some deep thought, trying to decipher just where the stupidity came in . And i have come to the conclusion , it just does nothing more, nothing less. But the real challenge is to learn from our mistakes take the good with the bad and learn to persevere and struggle for the strength to continue to roll on. If you continue to not seek something better than please don't ask yourself why nothing has changed. You get what you put in nothing more nothing less.

8/27/2014

Memoirs  Of  A  Rider

"I've always loved to write. This is just a past reflection of a faded memory , that i finally chose to let go by."

 I was once at the top , when i realized that it's still so lonely up here. Robbing  Peter and  Paul and hiding behind my fear .  

   
Sleeping with a girl , sweet Chiva was her name , always running drag trying to stay up on my game.

    Daily shakes and cold sweats , wondering is this all i get. Wishing this was just a bad dream that i could somehow forget.  

   I've Gotta bust a lick, somehow find a new way, search for the sobriety i need and keep it that way.

8/25/2014

Well yesterday i was blessed in many more ways than i could ever imagine. Hanging out with some old friends . seeing some friends , had the opportunity to spend some time with a very beautiful woman who just happens to be as cool as ice. Saw one of my friends bands play, the tramps truly rocked the house . got some pretty cool pictures. Payed it forward, shared some of my art, and an old 45 record on apple records The Beatles let it be. to two of the coolest people i have the pleasure of calling my friends, both have inspired me to continue on my journey , as well as acknowledged my progress , although far from perfect alas i remain a diamond in the rough. Grateful for being able to live my life as it was intended.

8/20/2014

my dreams, my aspiration's

My dream come true would be to continue on this journey I'm currently traveling, be able to someday become a motivational speaker, just talking to at risk kids, about my past, my life, no fiction, just realism at my finest, kids are so in need of someone they can relate to. Hopefully changing a few of their life's thru my mistakes, sharing how important an education is. And someday being able to support myself , my family thru those endeavors. It's often so very hard to share your most hidden secrets. But without truth you cease to exist. Someday i hope to make a positive difference in someone's life besides myself. There are a few people who i truly admire , for giving me the courage to speak out , to pen my thought's, share my feeling's. Those are my heroes.   

8/19/2014

Point  Of  No  Return

Just when exactly do we reach the point of no return ? It's when we can no longer live our lives in such disarray, and we can no longer continue to pretend that in the morning it will be all better. It isn't a very easy move but then again what is ? A life without all the strife. Well if one doe's nothing to obtain that goal then one shouldn't wonder why nothing has changed. An addiction is an addiction no matter the substance or form.

8/18/2014


Appreciation and recognition , well i do recognize that life is constantly changing more for the better, as the other i do appreciate the things, some simple, some a little more difficult. But i am ok with that. As for what tomorrow brings i know not, but am humbled, just grateful, doing it. as it was truly intended.  Crossing whatever bridge whenever the need shall arise . For tomorrow brings bluer skies.  

8/14/2014   (Robin Williams )


It truly saddens me days later to keep hearing about Robin Williams. All the negativity surrounding his untimely death, first i truly don't think it was planned, truth be told myself, and all others truly don't know exactly, what he was going thru. Nor do we have the right to judge, unless we are walking on water, feeding 5 thousand, or turning water into wine, we all know the truth, we aren't. myself knowing addiction, it don't matter what your addicted to, an addiction is an addiction, truth be told we all hurt the same, just at times more so, me personally I'd like to remember the man, for all that he gave , and not for what he took, I'm not really into a lot of comedy, but he did make me laugh, laughter is a gift we all have, just at times, we never see, even in darkness we forget what a true gift it is. Robin Williams thank you, you gave me the gift to laugh, when all i knew was to cry.

8/13/2014  (Teddie Dahlin)

well today i just start by saying how great i feel, a friend i met thru facebook who is an actual published author, took the time to come and see my blog and liked it. she being Teddie Dahlin, has written a book about her and Sid Vicious, fantastic book, you really need to go and look into it. i never knew that words could be so powerful till now, I have always loved to read, and till this day i continue reading educating myself. thru reading and learning i have found a way to express myself in a positive way , and thru other people i have found the courage to write things down and share them, to these special people i say thank you , for giving me the courage to persevere.

        IF MISSING YOU COULD MAKE IT RAIN,
              THE SEAS WOULD OVERFLOW.

        IF MISSING YOU COULD MAKE IT HOT,THEN
               THERE'D BE DESERTS ALL AROUND.

        IF MISSING YOU COULD SILENCE NOISE,
                 THEN MY EARTH WOULD HAVE NO SOUND.

        AND SO I GO NOW, DREAMING OF THE DAY,   I'M ONCE AGAIN ABLE TO BE                  HOLDING AND KISSING YOU.

         FOR ONLY GOD, TRULY KNOWS HOW MUCH IT HURTS
             WHEN, MY LOVES, DADDY'S MISSING YOU.

           

8/11/2014
Well today's thoughts are a little different, in true retrospect my mind wanders at times, flashing back to times lived, abused, but so cherished.  Thinking back, reminiscing on friends some much loved, some just tolerated, but still considered friends,if we only knew what we know now, maybe a lot of them would still be here. There almost isn't a day i log on to Facebook and read we have lost another friend, or a friends family member has passed on. My heart goes out to them, i have always thought and known deep down inside that God had other plans for me, And almost daily they are being revealed. Well it seems that thru well chosen words that are heart felt they become more powerful than the hardest of fists, it's an eye opening surreal feeling that I'm experiencing and I'm truly loving.  Anyways what i am trying to explain is that although Life is given, it isn't promised that it will be fair nor is tomorrow. My hope is for myself and all my family and friends realize that what we have is a gift, may we all find peace and solitude in what it offers.And remember to appreciate what we have today is given, tomorrow is not promised lets live to the fullest, love all we can, and try to be better than we were yesterday.If it's meant to be, it will be revealed when it's time. Lets try and make the best of the time were granted, and be good to our self's.  

the first day i started living , well it went like this , 2 months prior to me paroling i was feeling kinda jittery. I know i shouldn't feel like this, but if i told you i wasn't  scared I'd be totally lying. anyways after many nights with limited sleep wondering what was i going to do.  And after just deciding to put it in gods gentle hands. it happened after a very early wake up and a disgusting breakfast i was on my way to R&R after signing all the papers i was required to fill out etc and signing for my @ $200.00 i was on my way , took a taxi to the airport boarded a flight to my not forgotten home  sweet Orange County.  waiting on a ride then home.fantastic to be able to see my mother that has always supported me thru all of my life's mistakes  and believe  me that is another story in it own. After settling in the first night i did a few things i had obligated myself to do, and making sure they were done. I was blessed with 2 pieces of heroin and 2 ounce's of meth as promised. I went home and got high, man the rush and feel of the drugs flowing throughout my veins was indescribably a feeling i hadn't felt in years . Anyways after enjoying it , i decided i was gonna do another shot , well that was the biggest mistake of my life after finishing up i must of got cotton fever cause bout 10 minutes later i wasn't feeling anything good after a night of complete nodding and shakes and the sweats i did manage to catch a little sleep.  Anyways after waking up from the ride from hell, i was like in a slow motion trance before i could even realize what i was doing i had grabbed all the drugs , and walked to the toilet before i knew what happened i threw all the drugs and spoon and 5 new outfits away and flushed them down the toilet, i remember thinking fuck, if i hurry i can grab them before they are truly gone. Right that was never gonna happen nor was it even possible. anyways i was at a loss for a few days just tripping that i had done that, realizing that it must of been a sign of a different life and plans to come for me. well i deducted the day i used from my new life and decided that i would cross what ever bridge i needed to cross when and if i needed to. well i just very recently passed my 2 year mark living drug free. If i said it was easy I'd be lying again to you and myself. I am at a place where i never thought I'd be. although I'm here it seems so surreal at times, today I'm blessed to be living a drug free life, have a few friends that accepted me, my past, and gave me another chance at being a good person. And standing by me, thru all of it, the incarceration , the addiction , the lies , the mistakes man to many to even count but I'm here standing taller than i ever have . My plans and aspirations and goals are to be an example that my children can someday look up to, and forgive me for all of the pain i caused to myself , to them , to my family and any other person that loved or continues to love me. talk to at risk kids sharing my story , hopefully helping them to change their life living thru my mistakes. Faith is when you believe in something so strongly yet your unable to truly see it , but still hang on just knowing it's true. Fate is when your life has a plan all though you know what it might be. What is my fate I'm not sure but i know it will be good for me , also becoming what i choose it to become , it's all up to me.