the first day i started living , well it went like this , 2 months prior to me paroling i was feeling kinda jittery. I know i shouldn't feel like this, but if i told you i wasn't  scared I'd be totally lying. anyways after many nights with limited sleep wondering what was i going to do.  And after just deciding to put it in gods gentle hands. it happened after a very early wake up and a disgusting breakfast i was on my way to R&R after signing all the papers i was required to fill out etc and signing for my @ $200.00 i was on my way , took a taxi to the airport boarded a flight to my not forgotten home  sweet Orange County.  waiting on a ride then home.fantastic to be able to see my mother that has always supported me thru all of my life's mistakes  and believe  me that is another story in it own. After settling in the first night i did a few things i had obligated myself to do, and making sure they were done. I was blessed with 2 pieces of heroin and 2 ounce's of meth as promised. I went home and got high, man the rush and feel of the drugs flowing throughout my veins was indescribably a feeling i hadn't felt in years . Anyways after enjoying it , i decided i was gonna do another shot , well that was the biggest mistake of my life after finishing up i must of got cotton fever cause bout 10 minutes later i wasn't feeling anything good after a night of complete nodding and shakes and the sweats i did manage to catch a little sleep.  Anyways after waking up from the ride from hell, i was like in a slow motion trance before i could even realize what i was doing i had grabbed all the drugs , and walked to the toilet before i knew what happened i threw all the drugs and spoon and 5 new outfits away and flushed them down the toilet, i remember thinking fuck, if i hurry i can grab them before they are truly gone. Right that was never gonna happen nor was it even possible. anyways i was at a loss for a few days just tripping that i had done that, realizing that it must of been a sign of a different life and plans to come for me. well i deducted the day i used from my new life and decided that i would cross what ever bridge i needed to cross when and if i needed to. well i just very recently passed my 2 year mark living drug free. If i said it was easy I'd be lying again to you and myself. I am at a place where i never thought I'd be. although I'm here it seems so surreal at times, today I'm blessed to be living a drug free life, have a few friends that accepted me, my past, and gave me another chance at being a good person. And standing by me, thru all of it, the incarceration , the addiction , the lies , the mistakes man to many to even count but I'm here standing taller than i ever have . My plans and aspirations and goals are to be an example that my children can someday look up to, and forgive me for all of the pain i caused to myself , to them , to my family and any other person that loved or continues to love me. talk to at risk kids sharing my story , hopefully helping them to change their life living thru my mistakes. Faith is when you believe in something so strongly yet your unable to truly see it , but still hang on just knowing it's true. Fate is when your life has a plan all though you know what it might be. What is my fate I'm not sure but i know it will be good for me , also becoming what i choose it to become , it's all up to me.