New Day

New Day New Direction

Once again, my mind is scrambling i'm always going to fast, not by the use of drugs just the way i'm wired. Anyways i am always thinking about 10 different things all at once, and over analyzing everything in between and even the shit hat doesn't matter

i'm dead set on writing this small book, on all the places i went wrong from gangs,addiction,prison,recovery,and what recovery did to me opened a new world up to me that of photography, all i can get, and more, we all know that life is given, but tomorrow is never promised, so i got some catching up to do, before it all comes to an end one day, i will have this book written most likely in daily pieces all adding up in the end. my life, what i saw, what i learned, what i felt, and what i took, finally what i gave back, if for what ever reason at least someone will be able to read it and have a basic understanding of what i could never understand, my wiring how is it i can know so much, but in reality know nothing at all, i am guessing it is far better to have a basic knowledge of many things, then in reality know nothing at all. The daily thoughts and words of an addict becoming real, making a mark, using his voice, and finally shedding some light on the wonders of the world, i say this now i don't ever again wanna live like that again, wondering if i had done this.. how would it of turned out..  if i did this and..   no fuck that go for broke man tell it like it is, lets rock this place, if only for today and maybe tomorrow my thoughts and from where they started and where they ended, and all that i did, all that i said, let it be written, let it be noted, so let it be


so again i say this until tomorrow when i gather enough courage to keep it totally real and not care of what thoughts, will be thoughts either understood but known, all the things that give me purpose, what good is being able to speak if all you do is think and whisper, say it like it is, and tell the world were you've been, for without no story will ever be told.living thru addiction, accepting recovery, and rebuilding your life, and finally make the mind once again sane. so until tomorrow i'm out peace.  B.R

Holidays always hit the hardest..

Holidays always hit the hardest, at least for me they do, i am grateful, truly grateful that i was granted another chance at life, a life that needs no substance illegal or legal, that the only power that i need comes from a digital camera and my creativity, to be honest i would of never ever dreamed of finding a gift that no one can place a momentary value to it, nothing compares to finding a passion, that i enjoy and that it won't end with me going to a cell, or another prison, photography is my recovery, i share all that i am not able to confess, and all that i don't know how to explain, thru my images, it has done wonders for me, and my self esteem. as i stated i would of never thought that i'd take to it as a duck does to water, i find my creativity thru the things that i shoot, and the ideas that i obtain, making it all work, and the end result being of a somewhat happy medium. No 2 pictures are the same although they might resemble one another, every photographer can tell the difference or remember key elements about the image that was shot or the location that was used, odd but i am a believer , once i looked at someones instagram, saw a few pictures that looked alot like mine, but i have shot over 100 k pictures and have over 80 k saved on an external drive, a usb, drive, and saved 2 times on the cloud, a proof version which is the completely edited version, without my watermark. anyways after viewing those 2 pictures, i went on a mad dash to the cloud, and sure enough they were both shot by me, without no watermark, either early on in my passion, or before i cared about what was actually my intellectual property , as i do now, i see my images and without photo credit, or watermark comment on the comment section, acknowledging my work, to see where they stand as if by mistake or by intention. I can't help it honestly i'd rather be at home editing my pictures, then to be out doing nothing. consoling my hearts love with what i created. it helps to keep me somewhat balanced, and going in the right direction. For me it works. Seek and you shall find either by accident or simply by need this concludes my daily thoughts as i transpire them from thoughts to written and spoken words, a process not so simple, but i am amazed at the ease of it when it comes to my thoughts, i make do, as the photography comes into play, so does the creative mind.

From the place that active addiction took, and from the place that recovery gave. This is the voice that i found, and will not be silcenced.

Every now and again, we must remind ourselves just exactly from where we come from,  and realize that thru all our trials and tribulations that life bestowed upon us, it didn't go to waste, it finally paid off, and slowly we are starting to see, what we already knew to be fact, that we were meant for greater things, that maybe only the lord saw at the time, we were created, i always knew that i felt so at ease lost in my drug addiction but at the same time completely outta my place, what i find the most amazing part is that we could be so comfortable, and not so comfortable in that same place, i'm referring to the daily struggles that i battled on a daily basis, for well over 35 years while deeply lost in my active addiction, and i am starting to notice the little things in life that we were told as children, by our parents, grandparents, friends and loved ones, keep you're head up, sometimes as i recall vaguely bout things my nana would remind of consistently as growing up, then tell myself silently she was correct, i never knew just what other purpose that i had in life waiting for me, just that i had something waiting on me, all i had to do was either to prepare to battle my addictions like i never knew was humanly even possible, just that i had saw some that came outta the gutter, and called the same streets home much as i did. Or become what every other person already was whispering behind my back...that i was indeed a verified statistic . A name that would only be remembered by only a small group of people if at even that at all. In the book that they referred to me, i would only be mentioned by the case number, or the numbers that the state issued me. a member of the distinguished nobody's hero club. Well not me brother, that after many failed attempts, and so many lost years, i'd either get it right, or be that group of numbers, that they all said was true. And these weird and odd things that somehow come outta what i like to refer as part of my journey, chapter one...  The Lost Years..

In closing to the daily words that i write here, admitting that yes i was once part of the lost, and now professing that i am also part of the worthy, ask my honestly what works, as i mutter from under my breath, if only i knew, but i can honestly answer but i know what doesn't.. Everybody's journey starts out the same, but ends out entirely different, if we just believe, if you're still out there, lost, and all alone, if you can remember that there are many others of us out there and we are only as far as our minds allow us to think, or as close as the nearest call for help, nothing to be ashamed of, at one time we were there as maybe you are now, keep the faith my brothers and sisters, for within us all, are the answers, that we all so desperately need to find.. Till next time i gather the courage from within, and from the voice that learned to find.

My name is Bobby Rio and i am a survivor.

#onedayatatime #wecanrecover #recoverygives #addictiononlytakes

I think it's more about the thought that goes into deciding just how are you gonna approach it, without forgetting from where you came, and doing everything in your personal power to stay on the right side of the road, recovery is a daily issue no 2 days the same, always deciding what to do ahead of even doing it, not a simple task, if only i knew what i know now, back then i woulda saved myself and all involved with me some sleepless nights. but truthfully i haven't been able to say today i'm clean and sober in well close to 35 years, new experiences daily, i am lucky to even be here today, many have lost their battle with addiction, i'm proud to say that i am a survivor, and the words i share belong to me, the thoughts are mine, the action is learned daily, if you ask me what works, honestly i couldn't tell you, but i can tell you what fucking doesn't. if i can be of service and help anybody that is going thru addiction and the issues that come with it, that thru my mistakes, i can help guide them to safety, then i am doing something right, one could say i'm rich, not in the financial way of course, in other ways. What more could i ask for then to be able to live once again and growing daily , seeing things that i hadn't seen in many years, in pursuit of this thing they call recovery, a chance to live right, and make up for all the years that i was a burden to society and my fellow mankind, today by the grace of God, i'm free.

 A life without substances is the furthest thing that i ever thought i could somehow make a reality, first i gave up the drugs, been 5 years and some change, then i gave up drinking, seemed to always be my security crutch. i don't need it anyway, has been a bit harder than i thought but so far so good 10 months and change, trying to give it an honest try and shoot for a year clean and sober, see what happens, every time someone chimes in with you can't do this or you can't do that makes me wanna complete the task even more to prove to them, besides myself yes i can, it adds fuel to my fire. If at worst that i can offer help thru my mistakes to others, showing them it is all possible, if you want it bad enough. I think back to the day someone told me the grass would be greener on my side as well if i'd only water it, at first i never paid it no mind but it is true, it is greener now, i'm finally becoming a real person once again, not just an addict lost in his addiction, for now i can see light at the end of the tunnels, from where there were none prior. It isn't an easy task, but i guess that what makes it obtainable, if it was so easy then everybody would be doing it. This is the proving grounds to any addict  such as myself so as like the phoenix arose to from ashes so shall i, and i have risen from the ashes to claim what is rightfully mine, a life without substances that clog my mind, a life being of service, to all who come after me, an example that shows that it can be done, and a life of freedom that i haven't known in well over 35 years. A chance at fixing the broken pieces that remain inside of me, for i would rather have visible cracks than broken shards of pottery that were once intact. An honest try at reworking the damage that addiction took from me, i see the progress sometimes more than at times but still visible for the naked eye to see. It's a slow journey, i'm often unsure of the direction i'm moving but in the right direction not backwards, from where i've been. A dream that is slowly coming true, all i need is faith, and guidance, showing me the way to the promised land.   that is all of my thoughts for today, tomorrow i come back stronger and will look for more of life's goals to seek and obtain, and while picking up the skills that i've found and releasing the garbage that once held me down, i am a human being, and i deserve respect, and the only sure way to get that respect is to conquer all of what has held me down, and keep moving forward, i can't tell you what works, but i can truly tell you what fucking doesn't. thought of the day, broken crayons all color the same...

bucket list

1:  Write at least 1 page daily at minimum towards my project,

The memoirs of a rider:

2: Write thoughts as well as poetry towards my project,

From addiction and incarceration to being reborn, a life without substances.

3: stay on top of my recovery, never forgetting from where i came, and always remembering just how easy it would be to go right back to that hell.

 
MISSING YOU If missing you could blacken the stars, then there would be no midnight show. If missing you could make it somehow rain, then the world's seas would overflow. If missing you could make it hot, then there would be deserts all around. If missing you could somehow silence noise, then the earth would have no sound. And so i go now, dreaming of when again i'm holding and kissing you. For truly only God knows, just exactly how much it hurts, when my Savannah, grandpa's missing you.

The rewards all outweigh the things i've left scattered before...

Misc thoughts that come to me every now and then, i remember a homeboy asking me if i wanted to get high, higher than i've ever been before, i didn't hesitate i just said fuck yeah, he then said give up all that i know and all that i've done and give it an honest try, i don't have to keep doing it if it doesn't prove to be working out..  i remember saying to myself yeah, slinging dope and shooting dope is all i know, here i sit writing my memoirs, thinking back yes he was right.
I wasn't gonna finish it that time but one day at a time comes to mind cause i finally found my way, i ended up giving up all that i knew all that i had and all who i hung with, to find a new life, way better than the life that i knew, and to find that i knew many of the same people from my past, were living it as well and doing it, i gave up one addiction for another it turned out to be photography who woulda ever known that i'd take to it, like a duck to water. I shoot many different subjects, mostly nature, random, and live bands, i love the life that i found , the grass is greener or this side i just needed to water it, something to believe in, today i have just that and more, friends that truly care, and a new found passion that i love , i hope to make some money at what i do someday, till then i keep trying my best, my work is getting noticed, and that is a great start. My only intention here is that thru my truthful words that i can offer a solution to others that are struggling as i once was, if my mistakes can change someones future than i am doing my job, giving back, being of service, paying it forward, it's the best feeling ever and when i'm doing it, i'm higher than i ever was when doing drugs, looking for a way to ease the pain that i suffered and finding it in recovery what a total blessing, i'm not here to tell you, if you're living right, i'm here to help you see a different way, I'm not here to judge you, if you're still out there, give it a honest chance, challenge me see if it's true,you have nothing to lose but only to gain. Here i sit pondering my thoughts and feeling good about myself, knowing that there is truly hope, if i can do it so can you, the only thing holding you back is you. I wish you well on you're journey, where it leads i don't know but it's amazing, and it's real, we all go in different ways, but we all end up in the same place the land of freedom, and today brothers and sisters i am totally free.

It all leads to the gutter...

Are you gonna be honest enough to admit you're deepest secrets, things that you are embarrassed about, things you wish no one ever knew, things you'd rather keep hidden, hoping that nobody knew, or are you gonna be responsible enough to keep it 100 ....

After waking up sick as fuck, somewhere on this not so magical ride, trying to slide outta bed, knowing all to well that a shower would do you right, but ignoring the water's warmth to the calls of the tar, i decided to ignore the shower promised i'd shower after getting right, i went down to a street that tar was readily available on most of the street, Sabina was only about 5 minutes tops away, after doing a quick drive by making sure it was all clear no 5 -O i pulled up quickly hearing my name being called went straight over to a guy who had suddenly become my best friend in the last 6 months, at times wondering just how much him and his family had really benefited off me and my money, he wasn't like most connections that i have had even when i was short, he always helped me out, maybe cause at this time i was dropping an easy $500 a day at minimal . Anyways after scoring what i needed to get me right, instead of driving straight to my house which was only a few blocks away, i chose to pull over and get right right there, curbside, including the water that was available curbside the word is key here, it describes everything if you follow what i am trying to write, or if you've ever been in my shoes, knowing all well to better, but not giving a fuck, here i was drawing up water from the gutter and injecting it into my arm, mixed with the Mexican tar it wouldn't hurt me, so that's what i thought, by the grace of god as i sit here writing my memoirs, many which i am ashamed to even claim, but do so as it it part of owning your own. Yes i did this more than once ignoring the why and what if's, all in the pursuit of injecting a temporary reprieve of what addiction offered. As i sit and think back just how stupid i was, i also remind myself how lucky i am, that i never contracted any disease, other than cotton fever, i get regular testing done every 3 or 4 months full blood panels, and thankfully i am all good. My daily thoughts are even if you are living well, it all leads to the gutter, here i was slitting in a $50,000    911 and playing with fire and cheating death. My only goal here is to bring awareness, not embarrass myself which i not only did to myself but to my family as well. These are the truths and memoirs of a real rider, all i state and all i claim are the truth. If one can do anything, anything, try and be a better person than they were the day before, although life is given, tomorrow is never promised, seek what you love, and make the change. If i can do this so can anyone...   

Penney for your thoughts

At what moment do we realize that we weren't all given the same opportunity's and we either accept it and move on, or dwindle in all the damage we've caused  i prefer to acknowledge all that I've done and claim it as mine, i was taught right from wrong but chose to follow the path that was dark and was warned, what to expect, but i chose not to see what was right in front of me.  Nothing glamours or cool about pricking you're skin with a diabetic needle, and learning how to lie so perfectly, that even you believed you're own words. There was a time that i was in love, her name sounded so exotic Mexican Morena, i liked the sound of it as  it rolled off my tongue, the thought of her and her name sends goose bumps down my spine. I loved her so dearly and gave her all that i had, odd thing is she wasn't true to me, and was having relationships with many other boys as well as girls, taking all that we gave and only giving what she made, what at the time was all we wanted a false sense of love, a temporary home, a reprieve from the not so perfect life we came from and a magic power that allowed us all to forget and deny, what some kept hidden, i guess if you don't remember or can deny it ever happened then it never did. All while falling victim to her and the love she never gave. I never saw it coming, but saw the damage it did, i just looked beyond and said to myself it would never happen to me, well after time it did slowly at first i was able to hide and deny anything and everything about her till it was to late, then waking up to a whole new world one that was undeniably not what i was led to believe and not what i signed up for in the end it all turns out the same the rich become poorer, the looks that one had begin to fade, the ethics that were taught become a faded memory, and the pride you once had seems to have never existed at all. A Penney for your thoughts...

In the end we can either become part of the solution or dwindle in the problem, i choose to be part of the solution, i live my life with torn memories from a past full of wreckage and undeniable facts and places many i don't even remember. One day at a time works for me, grateful is my word for today, i'm grateful i woke up, in my own bed, and not in a cell. Penney for your thoughts, as if only you'd hear only what you wanted and saw all that you dreamed, these words are the daily thoughts of a recovering addict.
My name is Bobby Rio and i'm a survivor !