Grateful for the past

Grateful for the past

I know that in some odd kinda way this might sound weird,  grateful for the past, the past is just that the past, the place where you hid your secrets, as you did the deed. A time where we were so very lucky that technology as we know it today had no hope to succeed , for if it did most of our creative generation would be still living behind bars. But as i think about just what i want to write i tell myself how fortunate that we really were and i say this because i have noticed that the generation of today can build you a house outta recycled goods but sadly struggle at even the simplest of things as opening a can by hand, but otherwise could school you on where to get that, and how to open a successful business from your parents garage.I so loved to read, write and draw as a child the power it gave me was comparable to none, i remember my nana telling me as a young child just how important it was for knowledge was power and could bring right to the wrong, could give a voice to your people, and their needs let them be known.but sadly as i grew up and thru the power of experimenting with gangs and drugs let those gifts that were given to me as a child slip slowly from my hands, seems the only time i wrote or read was when i was locked up, no reasons on just why, how could it be that something that brought me so much joy growing up now suddenly look so uncool. I was always kinda leery about letting people into my area, where i learned to survive, maybe for fear that it would look as a sign of weakness that a man enjoyed those things such as i. Later on in my teenage years i met someone so different almost like a kindred spirit from within my inside, she had the looks of a goddess, long  beautiful hair that would make most girls cry, and yet so graceful and easy on the eyes. Alas friends don't make a judgement call without knowing what she held inside the same woman that was so appealing on the eyes would cut your throat without batting an eye. The power that she possessed was that she cared not of your thoughts of her, hurry along go die, she had the gift of compassion and if you were her friend than surely she'd help asking no reason on why, we would talk many hours late into the night on many things, our thoughts on everything no reasons exactly just why. As time would have it she drifted from along my side, to times i would think of her, and feel the urge to cry, she gave many thoughts, and new ideas to try, urging me to worry not of what others would think, let the good deeds come from within me, and for doing these things surely i would not die, if others didn't understand me fuck em i'd still be alright. My better half of which i speak of and write. Many years passed and as i stated at times i would think of her and wonder how she was, and where she was at in her life. Oddly so that after all these years fate would once again bring her back to my side, at first i was leery, scared from within inside but  as we reconnected and as we spoke she remembered so much of the things we discussed as young kids , she was still the same just as i, we learned to be friends once again and speak of our childhood from time to time, i consider her a cherished friend a gift from the times gone by. a person i can speak to and get the nonjudgmental honest thoughts on whatever subject i seek knowledge of the true power my friends is in educating oneself, by reading, writing, becoming knowledgeable and being able to act, not think if times need arise, For so many years while living thru my demons in my worst of my active addiction did i remember how to cry, i was a product of addiction a lost hope that would surely die, by the grace of god i found a reason to once again matter, forgive what i could and to put some goodness back into my life, a voice that i had forgotten, that never uttered or whispered much less attempted to speak. thru the power of recovery i have learned that it really doesn't matter from where you come only when you finally arrive. bring your message of hope, your story to be told otherwise it would die. Be part of the solution, not the problem, if you do nothing to tell the people on where you've been and what changed for you, to get once again on the path of right, you should never wonder or ask yourself why no one knows your story of struggles. When it all comes down to it, i hold her somewhat responsible for the ability to once again find my voice speak and be heard for adding words of encouragement guiding me in the right way, the gift of recovery is not one we  just keep at our side for the power of recovery is giving back, helping others that are in need as we were once. So that completes today's daily thoughts truthful yet at times all over the slippery road, fast and erratic speeds of unknown, so until next time i gather the strength to write what i really think of things past and of now, the power of recovery amazes us all my name is Bobby Rio i am a true survivor of a life of addiction, i will remain silent no more. 

New Day

New Day New Direction

Once again, my mind is scrambling i'm always going to fast, not by the use of drugs just the way i'm wired. Anyways i am always thinking about 10 different things all at once, and over analyzing everything in between and even the shit hat doesn't matter

i'm dead set on writing this small book, on all the places i went wrong from gangs,addiction,prison,recovery,and what recovery did to me opened a new world up to me that of photography, all i can get, and more, we all know that life is given, but tomorrow is never promised, so i got some catching up to do, before it all comes to an end one day, i will have this book written most likely in daily pieces all adding up in the end. my life, what i saw, what i learned, what i felt, and what i took, finally what i gave back, if for what ever reason at least someone will be able to read it and have a basic understanding of what i could never understand, my wiring how is it i can know so much, but in reality know nothing at all, i am guessing it is far better to have a basic knowledge of many things, then in reality know nothing at all. The daily thoughts and words of an addict becoming real, making a mark, using his voice, and finally shedding some light on the wonders of the world, i say this now i don't ever again wanna live like that again, wondering if i had done this.. how would it of turned out..  if i did this and..   no fuck that go for broke man tell it like it is, lets rock this place, if only for today and maybe tomorrow my thoughts and from where they started and where they ended, and all that i did, all that i said, let it be written, let it be noted, so let it be


so again i say this until tomorrow when i gather enough courage to keep it totally real and not care of what thoughts, will be thoughts either understood but known, all the things that give me purpose, what good is being able to speak if all you do is think and whisper, say it like it is, and tell the world were you've been, for without no story will ever be told.living thru addiction, accepting recovery, and rebuilding your life, and finally make the mind once again sane. so until tomorrow i'm out peace.  B.R

Holidays always hit the hardest..

Holidays always hit the hardest, at least for me they do, i am grateful, truly grateful that i was granted another chance at life, a life that needs no substance illegal or legal, that the only power that i need comes from a digital camera and my creativity, to be honest i would of never ever dreamed of finding a gift that no one can place a momentary value to it, nothing compares to finding a passion, that i enjoy and that it won't end with me going to a cell, or another prison, photography is my recovery, i share all that i am not able to confess, and all that i don't know how to explain, thru my images, it has done wonders for me, and my self esteem. as i stated i would of never thought that i'd take to it as a duck does to water, i find my creativity thru the things that i shoot, and the ideas that i obtain, making it all work, and the end result being of a somewhat happy medium. No 2 pictures are the same although they might resemble one another, every photographer can tell the difference or remember key elements about the image that was shot or the location that was used, odd but i am a believer , once i looked at someones instagram, saw a few pictures that looked alot like mine, but i have shot over 100 k pictures and have over 80 k saved on an external drive, a usb, drive, and saved 2 times on the cloud, a proof version which is the completely edited version, without my watermark. anyways after viewing those 2 pictures, i went on a mad dash to the cloud, and sure enough they were both shot by me, without no watermark, either early on in my passion, or before i cared about what was actually my intellectual property , as i do now, i see my images and without photo credit, or watermark comment on the comment section, acknowledging my work, to see where they stand as if by mistake or by intention. I can't help it honestly i'd rather be at home editing my pictures, then to be out doing nothing. consoling my hearts love with what i created. it helps to keep me somewhat balanced, and going in the right direction. For me it works. Seek and you shall find either by accident or simply by need this concludes my daily thoughts as i transpire them from thoughts to written and spoken words, a process not so simple, but i am amazed at the ease of it when it comes to my thoughts, i make do, as the photography comes into play, so does the creative mind.

From the place that active addiction took, and from the place that recovery gave. This is the voice that i found, and will not be silcenced.

Every now and again, we must remind ourselves just exactly from where we come from,  and realize that thru all our trials and tribulations that life bestowed upon us, it didn't go to waste, it finally paid off, and slowly we are starting to see, what we already knew to be fact, that we were meant for greater things, that maybe only the lord saw at the time, we were created, i always knew that i felt so at ease lost in my drug addiction but at the same time completely outta my place, what i find the most amazing part is that we could be so comfortable, and not so comfortable in that same place, i'm referring to the daily struggles that i battled on a daily basis, for well over 35 years while deeply lost in my active addiction, and i am starting to notice the little things in life that we were told as children, by our parents, grandparents, friends and loved ones, keep you're head up, sometimes as i recall vaguely bout things my nana would remind of consistently as growing up, then tell myself silently she was correct, i never knew just what other purpose that i had in life waiting for me, just that i had something waiting on me, all i had to do was either to prepare to battle my addictions like i never knew was humanly even possible, just that i had saw some that came outta the gutter, and called the same streets home much as i did. Or become what every other person already was whispering behind my back...that i was indeed a verified statistic . A name that would only be remembered by only a small group of people if at even that at all. In the book that they referred to me, i would only be mentioned by the case number, or the numbers that the state issued me. a member of the distinguished nobody's hero club. Well not me brother, that after many failed attempts, and so many lost years, i'd either get it right, or be that group of numbers, that they all said was true. And these weird and odd things that somehow come outta what i like to refer as part of my journey, chapter one...  The Lost Years..

In closing to the daily words that i write here, admitting that yes i was once part of the lost, and now professing that i am also part of the worthy, ask my honestly what works, as i mutter from under my breath, if only i knew, but i can honestly answer but i know what doesn't.. Everybody's journey starts out the same, but ends out entirely different, if we just believe, if you're still out there, lost, and all alone, if you can remember that there are many others of us out there and we are only as far as our minds allow us to think, or as close as the nearest call for help, nothing to be ashamed of, at one time we were there as maybe you are now, keep the faith my brothers and sisters, for within us all, are the answers, that we all so desperately need to find.. Till next time i gather the courage from within, and from the voice that learned to find.

My name is Bobby Rio and i am a survivor.

#onedayatatime #wecanrecover #recoverygives #addictiononlytakes

I think it's more about the thought that goes into deciding just how are you gonna approach it, without forgetting from where you came, and doing everything in your personal power to stay on the right side of the road, recovery is a daily issue no 2 days the same, always deciding what to do ahead of even doing it, not a simple task, if only i knew what i know now, back then i woulda saved myself and all involved with me some sleepless nights. but truthfully i haven't been able to say today i'm clean and sober in well close to 35 years, new experiences daily, i am lucky to even be here today, many have lost their battle with addiction, i'm proud to say that i am a survivor, and the words i share belong to me, the thoughts are mine, the action is learned daily, if you ask me what works, honestly i couldn't tell you, but i can tell you what fucking doesn't. if i can be of service and help anybody that is going thru addiction and the issues that come with it, that thru my mistakes, i can help guide them to safety, then i am doing something right, one could say i'm rich, not in the financial way of course, in other ways. What more could i ask for then to be able to live once again and growing daily , seeing things that i hadn't seen in many years, in pursuit of this thing they call recovery, a chance to live right, and make up for all the years that i was a burden to society and my fellow mankind, today by the grace of God, i'm free.

 A life without substances is the furthest thing that i ever thought i could somehow make a reality, first i gave up the drugs, been 5 years and some change, then i gave up drinking, seemed to always be my security crutch. i don't need it anyway, has been a bit harder than i thought but so far so good 10 months and change, trying to give it an honest try and shoot for a year clean and sober, see what happens, every time someone chimes in with you can't do this or you can't do that makes me wanna complete the task even more to prove to them, besides myself yes i can, it adds fuel to my fire. If at worst that i can offer help thru my mistakes to others, showing them it is all possible, if you want it bad enough. I think back to the day someone told me the grass would be greener on my side as well if i'd only water it, at first i never paid it no mind but it is true, it is greener now, i'm finally becoming a real person once again, not just an addict lost in his addiction, for now i can see light at the end of the tunnels, from where there were none prior. It isn't an easy task, but i guess that what makes it obtainable, if it was so easy then everybody would be doing it. This is the proving grounds to any addict  such as myself so as like the phoenix arose to from ashes so shall i, and i have risen from the ashes to claim what is rightfully mine, a life without substances that clog my mind, a life being of service, to all who come after me, an example that shows that it can be done, and a life of freedom that i haven't known in well over 35 years. A chance at fixing the broken pieces that remain inside of me, for i would rather have visible cracks than broken shards of pottery that were once intact. An honest try at reworking the damage that addiction took from me, i see the progress sometimes more than at times but still visible for the naked eye to see. It's a slow journey, i'm often unsure of the direction i'm moving but in the right direction not backwards, from where i've been. A dream that is slowly coming true, all i need is faith, and guidance, showing me the way to the promised land.   that is all of my thoughts for today, tomorrow i come back stronger and will look for more of life's goals to seek and obtain, and while picking up the skills that i've found and releasing the garbage that once held me down, i am a human being, and i deserve respect, and the only sure way to get that respect is to conquer all of what has held me down, and keep moving forward, i can't tell you what works, but i can truly tell you what fucking doesn't. thought of the day, broken crayons all color the same...

bucket list

1:  Write at least 1 page daily at minimum towards my project,

The memoirs of a rider:

2: Write thoughts as well as poetry towards my project,

From addiction and incarceration to being reborn, a life without substances.

3: stay on top of my recovery, never forgetting from where i came, and always remembering just how easy it would be to go right back to that hell.

 
MISSING YOU If missing you could blacken the stars, then there would be no midnight show. If missing you could make it somehow rain, then the world's seas would overflow. If missing you could make it hot, then there would be deserts all around. If missing you could somehow silence noise, then the earth would have no sound. And so i go now, dreaming of when again i'm holding and kissing you. For truly only God knows, just exactly how much it hurts, when my Savannah, grandpa's missing you.

The rewards all outweigh the things i've left scattered before...

Misc thoughts that come to me every now and then, i remember a homeboy asking me if i wanted to get high, higher than i've ever been before, i didn't hesitate i just said fuck yeah, he then said give up all that i know and all that i've done and give it an honest try, i don't have to keep doing it if it doesn't prove to be working out..  i remember saying to myself yeah, slinging dope and shooting dope is all i know, here i sit writing my memoirs, thinking back yes he was right.
I wasn't gonna finish it that time but one day at a time comes to mind cause i finally found my way, i ended up giving up all that i knew all that i had and all who i hung with, to find a new life, way better than the life that i knew, and to find that i knew many of the same people from my past, were living it as well and doing it, i gave up one addiction for another it turned out to be photography who woulda ever known that i'd take to it, like a duck to water. I shoot many different subjects, mostly nature, random, and live bands, i love the life that i found , the grass is greener or this side i just needed to water it, something to believe in, today i have just that and more, friends that truly care, and a new found passion that i love , i hope to make some money at what i do someday, till then i keep trying my best, my work is getting noticed, and that is a great start. My only intention here is that thru my truthful words that i can offer a solution to others that are struggling as i once was, if my mistakes can change someones future than i am doing my job, giving back, being of service, paying it forward, it's the best feeling ever and when i'm doing it, i'm higher than i ever was when doing drugs, looking for a way to ease the pain that i suffered and finding it in recovery what a total blessing, i'm not here to tell you, if you're living right, i'm here to help you see a different way, I'm not here to judge you, if you're still out there, give it a honest chance, challenge me see if it's true,you have nothing to lose but only to gain. Here i sit pondering my thoughts and feeling good about myself, knowing that there is truly hope, if i can do it so can you, the only thing holding you back is you. I wish you well on you're journey, where it leads i don't know but it's amazing, and it's real, we all go in different ways, but we all end up in the same place the land of freedom, and today brothers and sisters i am totally free.

It all leads to the gutter...

Are you gonna be honest enough to admit you're deepest secrets, things that you are embarrassed about, things you wish no one ever knew, things you'd rather keep hidden, hoping that nobody knew, or are you gonna be responsible enough to keep it 100 ....

After waking up sick as fuck, somewhere on this not so magical ride, trying to slide outta bed, knowing all to well that a shower would do you right, but ignoring the water's warmth to the calls of the tar, i decided to ignore the shower promised i'd shower after getting right, i went down to a street that tar was readily available on most of the street, Sabina was only about 5 minutes tops away, after doing a quick drive by making sure it was all clear no 5 -O i pulled up quickly hearing my name being called went straight over to a guy who had suddenly become my best friend in the last 6 months, at times wondering just how much him and his family had really benefited off me and my money, he wasn't like most connections that i have had even when i was short, he always helped me out, maybe cause at this time i was dropping an easy $500 a day at minimal . Anyways after scoring what i needed to get me right, instead of driving straight to my house which was only a few blocks away, i chose to pull over and get right right there, curbside, including the water that was available curbside the word is key here, it describes everything if you follow what i am trying to write, or if you've ever been in my shoes, knowing all well to better, but not giving a fuck, here i was drawing up water from the gutter and injecting it into my arm, mixed with the Mexican tar it wouldn't hurt me, so that's what i thought, by the grace of god as i sit here writing my memoirs, many which i am ashamed to even claim, but do so as it it part of owning your own. Yes i did this more than once ignoring the why and what if's, all in the pursuit of injecting a temporary reprieve of what addiction offered. As i sit and think back just how stupid i was, i also remind myself how lucky i am, that i never contracted any disease, other than cotton fever, i get regular testing done every 3 or 4 months full blood panels, and thankfully i am all good. My daily thoughts are even if you are living well, it all leads to the gutter, here i was slitting in a $50,000    911 and playing with fire and cheating death. My only goal here is to bring awareness, not embarrass myself which i not only did to myself but to my family as well. These are the truths and memoirs of a real rider, all i state and all i claim are the truth. If one can do anything, anything, try and be a better person than they were the day before, although life is given, tomorrow is never promised, seek what you love, and make the change. If i can do this so can anyone...   

Penney for your thoughts

At what moment do we realize that we weren't all given the same opportunity's and we either accept it and move on, or dwindle in all the damage we've caused  i prefer to acknowledge all that I've done and claim it as mine, i was taught right from wrong but chose to follow the path that was dark and was warned, what to expect, but i chose not to see what was right in front of me.  Nothing glamours or cool about pricking you're skin with a diabetic needle, and learning how to lie so perfectly, that even you believed you're own words. There was a time that i was in love, her name sounded so exotic Mexican Morena, i liked the sound of it as  it rolled off my tongue, the thought of her and her name sends goose bumps down my spine. I loved her so dearly and gave her all that i had, odd thing is she wasn't true to me, and was having relationships with many other boys as well as girls, taking all that we gave and only giving what she made, what at the time was all we wanted a false sense of love, a temporary home, a reprieve from the not so perfect life we came from and a magic power that allowed us all to forget and deny, what some kept hidden, i guess if you don't remember or can deny it ever happened then it never did. All while falling victim to her and the love she never gave. I never saw it coming, but saw the damage it did, i just looked beyond and said to myself it would never happen to me, well after time it did slowly at first i was able to hide and deny anything and everything about her till it was to late, then waking up to a whole new world one that was undeniably not what i was led to believe and not what i signed up for in the end it all turns out the same the rich become poorer, the looks that one had begin to fade, the ethics that were taught become a faded memory, and the pride you once had seems to have never existed at all. A Penney for your thoughts...

In the end we can either become part of the solution or dwindle in the problem, i choose to be part of the solution, i live my life with torn memories from a past full of wreckage and undeniable facts and places many i don't even remember. One day at a time works for me, grateful is my word for today, i'm grateful i woke up, in my own bed, and not in a cell. Penney for your thoughts, as if only you'd hear only what you wanted and saw all that you dreamed, these words are the daily thoughts of a recovering addict.
My name is Bobby Rio and i'm a survivor !

2

I have often thought back many times over the years, wishing that that little old wooden house still stood, it was there for many years, till it met it demise, some where in the nineties, possibly around 95, my mother had saved the article for many years, so i can't be sure about the time frame, nor the date, somewhere bout there. But i do remember there was always people over there visiting, aunts, uncles cousins, my mother came from a lot of 15 kids, they had kids and so on i came in the third generation, my mom being the second generation, and last i heard they were somewhere around 7 or 8 generations, but outta that huge lot of children only 3 remain 3 sisters, but as i stated as a kid someone was always around Friday night there were great board games and lots of gossip. It coulda always have been worse, we hadn't much, but we never went without. I loved that old wooden house, chickens in the back yard and some rabbits, couple dogs and few cats. Those were good times, what i wouldn't do, if only it was possible to go back in time, i have traveled back many times, for the first 5 years we would find our way there, and have a family barbecue, cousins, and maybe a few babies that were born to late to know the love that house gave, my tia still owned the land, so we would just set up and relive a time long lost, after my nana  passed on it was never the same, now it was just an abandoned old lot, as i said before i have gone back in time many times, thru my memories that till today i hold dearly to my heart, the woman that raised me, and always showed me unconditional love was now gone basically i was on my own now, don't misunderstand me i still have my mother she's getting on in her years but she's healthy, what more could i ask for. While my mother worked My nana raised me, then as i got a bit older we moved over to Whittier, where i was taken care of by my aunt, my mothers sister. there were many but we never went without.

The Memoirs Of A Rider

chapter 1

Back when i grew up we were taught from an early age, that we weren't supposed to cry, if you were a boy that's just how it was my mother always worked, and we lived just a few houses down from my Nana, in a Varrio that still stands to this day, a neighborhood that is Alta Vista in Northern Orange County not more than a few miles, from the Los Angeles La Habra border line. Back when it wasn't so violent, and you really never had to worry about letting your children out to play, on any given evening before the lights turned on, i remember all the kids scrambling, bikes going every direction, that was kinda like an  unwritten law, peddling your ass off , because if you didn't get home in time, chances are you were gonna do some time, sometimes it would be wino time, maybe sitting in the corner, sometimes Nana would pull a switch down from her favorite tree, and whip our ass, an equivalent of a short stint in the pinta. You know that even if i got the switch, it always followed with a few minutes of no talking then a hug, And that i remember like it was yesterday, i saw my Nana cry, it has always remained so vivid in my memory, it broke my heart seeing her cry, but even though she had just whipped my ass, she always said she was sorry and just how much she loved me, there were 5 of us in that tiny wooden house, including my Nana, i don't ever remember my grandfather living there, by the time i came around he had long been gone for many years, same old story, My Nana left with the children, he had left for his childhood sweet heart, i guess it was easier that way it never hurt, you can't miss what you've never known.

The memoirs of a rider

I want to be completely honest here, as a child, no one ever say's they wanna become a junkie when they grow up, coming from a addictive family, i hated the real fact that my father was absent, and never gave a fuck about me, he wandered in when i was little and left just as quiet as he walked in, i saw him briefly when i was about 7 for the last time, he just showed up at my aunt's house like it was the thing to do, asking how my grandmother and mother were, and asking if i knew who he was, i have very vague memories of him, but answered yes, partly being hopeful that he would come back and be what most other kids had, a father that was active in their lives, and mostly a father that really loved them. As he left he gave me $ 5 and promised he'd return the very next week, and we'd work on really being a family, deep down i hoped he'd honor his promise he never did i cried myself to sleep for months following that short visit. I always questioned myself that maybe i had done something to push me away, or never love me like i deserved, all i truly knew was i did deserve something a father that truly did love me, i remember that on my 10 th Christmas i wrote Santa a letter and attached was a very short, in fact 1 item for my wish list all i asked for was him to come back and give me a chance to make up for my mistake that i had caused him, truthfully it wasn't a mistake that i did, it was his love for heroin that ruined my life and my family's life. i remember crying myself to sleep at night, and promising myself that i would never be anything like him and that i would be better than him at whatever i ever did, i was 10 that was the year i started smoking weed, and the rest would start becoming a reality, i went to dr's and anger management counselors, weekly for a while, then i guess my mother figured nothing was working, and i stopped going to see my counselor. All that really helped was reading and drawing, in my books i could escape and be the lucky kid that had a real family, a rich artist that could do whatever he wanted, and had it all.The only thing he ever gave me was a lifetime of tears, and a destiny to meet up with the addiction, that he offered. and it came true, this is my story from broken to addicted, and all the damage that it caused . The memoirs of a rider.

I owe nobody an explanation , truth is i couldn't explain just why, but i think i just proved to myself that drinking like a gentleman is a total myth, i'm not regretting anything things happen, one step back, and now one step forward, day 1

i've lived i've learned

I've loved, i've lost, i've learned, i know as a child we never think that addiction will end up being a part of our lives, but for some it does, i never dreamed that my life would be filled so full of up's and downs, but it has been. From the addiction came the pain, thru the pain came incarceration as well as the separation from everyone, and everything i ever loved  in my life. I destroyed and pushed any and all who were ever so lucky to cross my path, i burned and danced across every bridge i came upon, i can't even think back that far to a time when i was drug free, much less sober, early teens would be my best guess, anyways thru those years i did manage to do a few things right.  Many times i tried to pick up the pieces, but somehow they always fell outta my arms in the process, Finally i learned Empathy and compassion and thru those words i gave myself another chance, a new hope at a life that neither contained addiction only thru the memories that i hold inside of my heart, i've tried to make right to all that i hurt along the way, that is basically all i can do, but i hope that some will just see the change and others will hear about the change, either way i still continue, someone told me give up all that i had and that i'd find so much more, well it's true, my life isn't perfect,neither is my story, but they both belong to me.  I'm not here to judge you on if your living your life right, that's not up to me.  What i am saying is if i can change so can you, hate the disease pray for the addict.
#onedayatatime

                                                              WHEN

when do you stop trying to help someone, when they won't help themselves , do you just wish them well and keep them in your thoughts and prayers? or hope that they'll see the light and start to care, for without the yearning it will cease to appear ?

Tell me you've never felt fear, explain to me how you've never cried,and how you've never experienced happiness from down deep inside, and i'll tell you your a liar. When i gave up drugs i didn't feel these emotions cause from inside i knew i was done. I kept drinking although not everyday i still kept drinking cause i was afraid, afraid to fall down, afraid i'd go back to the needle and spoon, even tried non alcoholic beer it sucked.can't stand these fucking energy drinks, they get me kinda stuck, told myself i'd only drink light beer, and have a whisky and coke here and there, never failed next morning my mind was thinking but my heart never was there, i always said just a few more nights, then i'll be able to stop and it will be alright, i made a conscious decision to take this next ride, it's really not that bad. What i wonder is does this happen to everyone the ability to feel all these emotions that were kept hidden deep down inside, hindering happiness and your ability to shed a few tears or just cry ? In my mind i was bulletproof a super hero with the power to even fly. One can never say they've lived if they have never tried. Expression seems to be the only thing that I've ever really had that came from down deep inside. I look at it this way a blessing in disguise, they say the phoenix arose from ashes, and so shall i , there will be a day that i to shall fly.